Parental Guilt and Changing Expectations
The process of grieving when your child is in residential treatment can be a complex and deeply emotional experience, often compounded by shifting expectations.
A lot of families feel grief but don’t necessarily name it that because it is not what we commonly associate grief with. Nonetheless, parents do, in fact, suffer a loss of what they thought their child’s path was going to be, and their children are absent from pivotal points in their lives. Kids in treatment have missed celebrating birthdays with family – either their own or a loved one, graduations, proms, class trips, playing sports, family vacations, and other key moments. They have often all missed out on “traditional” middle or high school experiences.
Kids grieve the loss of their school experience too and they go through the stages of grief in their own way. For parents and kids alike, this is an opportunity for the family. Will it be the path everyone envisioned? No, but it will be a new path that will hopefully open doors that you never thought possible.
While you move through the process at your own pace, here are some thoughts to consider:
1. The Grief of Letting Go:
You might experience grief similar to the feeling of loss, even though your child is still alive and present. It can feel like you’re losing the version of your child you once knew, and you may mourn the relationship you envisioned having with them at home. Sending a child to residential treatment often involves acknowledging that your child needs a level of care and support that can’t be provided at home to keep them safe and allow them to begin to heal.
2. Shifting Expectations:
Over time, you may find that your initial expectations of what the treatment process would look like need to evolve. You might have hoped for quick fixes or a smooth journey, but the reality is that the journey is not linear and can involve setbacks, slow progress, or unforeseen challenges. You may need to adjust your expected timeline for recovery, not just for your child but also for how long it takes for you to process the experience and redefine your relationship with them.
3. Balancing Hope and Reality:
It’s important to remain hopeful while also accepting that your child’s healing journey may not look like you expected. Residential treatment is often a place for long-term growth and stabilization, not a place where immediate transformation occurs. You may struggle with wanting things to improve quickly, and the slow, often incremental progress can be hard to witness, especially if you’re emotionally invested in seeing a “return to normal.”
4. Feelings of Guilt and Doubt:
You might feel guilty for placing your child in residential treatment, questioning if you’ve done the right thing or if you should have handled things differently. These feelings are all OK, and it’s important to remind yourself that you made the best decision you could at the time based on what’s best for your child’s safety and long-term well-being. While this doesn’t diminish the pain, it can help mitigate some of the self-blame.
5. Rebuilding Expectations for Your Role as a Parent:
As your child progresses in treatment, your role in their life will likely shift. You may not have the same day-to-day interactions, and the parent-child dynamic may feel altered. This new dynamic can be challenging to navigate, but it’s also an opportunity to find new ways to support them. Some parents find that they must give up traditional ideas of “control” and instead focus on fostering trust, patience, and consistency in their support.
6. The Desire for Control vs. Letting Go:
You might struggle with the desire to maintain control over your child’s treatment and outcomes, but part of the grieving process involves accepting that some things are beyond your control. Understanding that the treatment team at Summit Achievement, or wherever your child is, is working to provide exceptional care and that this process is a collaboration can help release some of the anxiety and grief tied to control.
7. Building a New Relationship:
Eventually, as you and your child move through the treatment process, you may develop a new, perhaps stronger, relationship. This new relationship may require patience, understanding, and a willingness to meet your child where they are rather than where you had hoped they would be. The treatment journey may redefine the connection, but it can also lead to growth for you and your child.
Grieving this experience is not just about sorrow or loss; it’s also about finding new ways of understanding, connecting, and moving forward, even when the future seems uncertain.
If your teenager is struggling with their mental health and you are considering treatment options, perhaps Summit Achievement could be right for your family. Reach out to Admissions today.